If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. -Will Kommen
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. -Dean Martin
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. -Wendy Liebman
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. -Ben Franklin
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. -Joey Bishop
